Utility

This is a more introspective post than usual so apologies if you're here for Howard County politics, whiskers on kittens or updates on my ballerina.

I had a moment this morning where I was angry at myself and wished I was not here. And then I thought, But the hubby & the ballerina need you.

I'm useful.

That actually made me feel worse. Yes, having a sense of purpose is good. But just feeling like someone needs you to make sure the bills are paid, the fridge is stocked and the heat is on isn't always a purpose.

I've said before that I seem to be a professional patient. I had tried to leave that behind. But my blood pressure is up and my psoriasis is making itself known. That makes me grumpy and frustrated. No question that I think "Better living through chemistry" - but feeling like I spend my time in doctors' offices seems "un"-purposeful. My elementary school-aged daughter has gone to her pediatrician twice in the last two years - for her annual checkup. At least she doesn't have my immune system!

I'm OK - don't worry about me. Just a gloomy January getting me down. I'm more annoyed that I ate too much at lunch and I'm still uncomfortably full.